Sunday, June 6, 2010

Random Thoughts...

Well it is a Sunday morning and I am enjoying a little alone time before anyone wakes up. I love to do this. It is one of my most cherished activitys. Sitting alone and just listening to silence. Actually the sound I am hearing is the quite tapping of my fingers on the keys of the computer keyboard. I have many thoughts on my mind this morning and so I am going to just randomly throw them out there. First of all is struggling. I don't know if its being pregnant or just the devil, but I am finding myself really struggling in a couple of areas. We are modest dressing. We wear dresses and skirts only and have been this way for well over a year, really almost 2. All of a sudden I am struggling with that area. I sometimes wonder are my girls missing out because we can't just go buy them whatever at the mall and send them on their way. It is really hard to find clothing that meets our standards. I don't know how to sew and if I did , it would probably be easier to put them in modest clothing. I am praying about that area in my life and my girls. I feel so alone and isolated sometimes. It is soooo hard to be different and to make that choice to remain different especially with no outside support. My mother lives with us and she thinks we are crazy and that the kids are missing out on a ton of things. Then there is that issue. With Cameron working again we could technically give my mom this house and move back out alone. Of course that would leave my mother alone and she is 75 and not in the best of shape. I feel so torn between my family and the family I had as a child.My mother sees things much differently than we do and mother also trys to push those views on our kids. She has her favorite which is my oldest daughter, and no matter what she does no wrong. I can not stand that. Cameron's mother is very much the same way. She is taken with our second daughter and thinks that she is a saint. This makes for a very uncomfortable situation. Cameron's mother thinks we are crazy all the way around and thinks that we are ruining our childrens lives. She despises every choice we make and although she has come around somewhat to the idea that we are having another baby, hence she will be a nana x 5, she still makes extremely rude and out of the way comments about us, the other kids and our choices. She isn't proud of Cameron's job and thinks he should be making more money. He will be making plenty of it for our liking, thank you very much. And she doesn't respect anything we say in regards to the kids. She takes them off and dresses them in ways we don't approve of and then she ask them to lie about it. Of course they come straight in and tell us. It is extremely hard to deal with all this at times. And then back to my mother (who lives with us) I am very thankful for her and what she has done, but we are night and day, oil and water. And it is becoming more and more difficult as the days go by. I want to enjoy my relationship with my mother, because I realize that she is not a young lady and that her health is not wonderful, but where do you draw the line between adult parent/child relationship and the one you had before, especially when your lifestyle has changed dramatically? We are so different and it seems that she does try to press my buttons. Whether it be a smart comment to me or a put down about my beloved. Or a long conversation with her precious(evil) chihuhua( sp?) . It bothers me a bunch. I am praying about all this and many other issues. I am planning on a major revamp of several things once Emily is born. I have to get my self together and get back on track for my kids sake and my own sake. Speaking of birth.... I am having contractions this morning which is a good sign, so I am fixen to get up, get moving and hope that maybe a little baby isn't to far away from making her grand entrance. We are sooooo excited to meet our precious Emily!

P.S: I am going to be changing my blog background, so bear with me if it looks a little wierd for awhile.

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