I haven't posted in several days because I have been trying to get myself in a better place emotionally. I am semi-succeding at this although I am still struggling. When I first started this blog I imagined that my writings would all be inspirational and cheerful, but real life is not always that. So pardon me for being real. I am going to say exactly how I feel and record my inner most thoughts here. The main thing that has been on my mind lately since Justin's death has been my relationship with the Lord, my beloved and my children. Its easy to get so caught up in keeping up with the world. I haven't really done that but my mind still wonders if we are raising our children right. Cameron and me both agree that we want our children raised differently than we were. Not saying that we were not raised good because we were,but still we have different values and aspirations for our children than our parents do/did have. Just an example.... my girls and I are dresses/skirts only. And when I say dresses/skirts, I mean well below the knee. Anyway, my mother in law hates that we are depriving the kids of dressing "popular" and of a good public school education. So earlier today she came and got 2 of the 5 children to take to her house to spend the night. No sooner than the girls were pulling out of the driveway, they were in her backseat changing into the clothes she has them wear.This really bothers me. My husband doesn't really see the big deal since they are really only going to her house, but in my opinion, it is confusing to them. My middle daughter makes it clear that she doesn not want to allow the Lord to control her family size and that IF she ever has children she only wants 1, maybe 2. She also is counting the days until she can be own her own. She has no desire to be a wife or stay at home mother. She wants to be like her Nana. This hurts me. Is my life and my role here so horrible that she really wants no part of it? Have I already missed that chance to make a real difference in her life?She doesn't do her chores, she is constantly in trouble for refusing to do things that we do as a family. Is this because she is 11 ( or will be in 19 days), or is this due to the influence of her Nana, or is it from the horrible attitude that I have at times? I really am at a loss. I pray for her and her heart. I pray that the Lord will open up to her and show her that way that He would have her to go. I think that when I complain, maybe that has rubbed off on her. I think about my marriage. We have not always been a good example of a Godly marriage and a Godly family. I think when we have children, we must realize that everything, even little things are examples and illustrations to our children about life. They base alot of their future decisions on what we do. Especially the things that they have no experience in. I have many more thoughts on this and several other subjects, but since I am done nursing my sweet baby, I am going to go join my beloved under the carport where he is bbq-ing. Blessings and have a safe 4th!